When children find that they can do nothing right because of constant faultfinding, they are apt to become depressed. Or in other cases they turn to peers in the world for approval, and before you know it the child has a wall between him and his parents. Dad may blame the kids at school but it may not be them at all.. The child that has all the warmth, approval and security of the home needs little from his peers.

Text: 1 Timothy 3:4

"He must manage his own household well, having his children in obedience with proper respect."

Paul is giving the qualifications for an elder in the church, but these qualifications are not for church leaders only. Every man should strive to build them into his life. This verse points out that the man must be a responsible manager of his own household.

Let’s notice what the Bible says about responsible leadership in the home.

Responsible Leaders Love Their Wives.

Colossians 3:19

"Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter against them."

The word translated "bitter" is a Greek word that means to "exasperate, to anger, to irritate, or to grieve."

I think some husbands misunderstand true leadership. It does not mean that the husband is always right. Nor does it imply that his way must be forcefully administered. Nor does love mean a weakness of leadership. It is no wonder that some wives are exasperated and irritated with their husbands, if they have husbands who are either dictators or cop-outs. Respect and submission are impossible for wives in such arrangements.

If we men offer the right kind of leadership, most Christian women will not be grieved by their roles as a wives and mothers.

How can we describe leadership that is dominated by love?.

Love does not dominate another; but rather seeks to cultivate the best in him or her. Loving leaders will bring out the best in those they lead. Good leaders are not threatened by the abilities of those they lead.

Recall how King Saul was enraged by the way the people sang the praises of David. David was a subordinate to Saul, but his success became a perceived threat and Saul sought to kill him. Instead Saul should have honored David and sought to draw out even greater things from him. Had Saul acted responsibly toward David, he would have found in him the greatest general in all of Israel. Saul would also have found favor in the eyes of people because of his wonderful general.

Saul was insecure in his own feelings as a leader. I feel that some fathers and husbands are this way. Inwardly they feel that their wives are more talented than they are. Hence rather then build up their wives they see them as competitors   for the recognition of other people. This isn't love and it is a real source of bitterness.

I knew a husband who had a wife who painted. Listening to the husband, you would think that there was no artist greater than his wife. He was as proud, or even more so, than she. I couldn't see all that in her pictures, but do you know what? She appreciated her husband's response to her talent. She needed it and it drew them closer together. I can imagine that she found his clothes easier to wash with his approval than if he had jealously condemned her for spending so much time painting.

If you are going to be the effective, loving husband that God wants you to be in your home,  you are going to have to cultivate the talents of those in the family, rather than dominate them. Seek to find the good in each child, and do all you can to encourage and draw out his or her talent. Spend time with each person and cultivate their talents for their own betterment.

A second thought on love and leadership is this: "The lover lets his beloved be free." Too many husbands or wives want to remake their spouses into their own ideal. Constantly they are comparing their mates with others. This only exasperates the spouse. We need to let then be free.  We married our mates for who they are, not what we can make them. I have found that when a husband lets his wife be herself several things happen. The wife feels secure knowing that her husband loves her. Then also the wife and the husband grow together, so that the things that appeared as glaring differences when they first got married dissolve as the years go by. But when one insists that the other change this "obnoxious habit", they resist and problems arise.

If we cannot let our mates be free, then there is a breakdown in love somewhere. If we abuse their freedom and take liberties we shouldn't, then we really do not love. Forcing the issue will not solve the problem.  If we cannot set another free then we are insecure and our love is not what it should be.

I Peter 3:7 instructs us in how to live with our wives.

"In the same way, you husbands live with your wives according to knowledge, giving honor as to a weaker vessel, as also being heirs together of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be cut off."

Dwelling with your wife "according to knowledge" implies that you seek to understand her moods, know her needs, and know her capabilities. It is your job as a leader to know those who are in your charge

Men of the world pride themselves in their ignorance of  women. They will joke about it - but it is no joking matter. Husbands, God wants you to understand your wife. This will help you lovingly cultivate her abilities. It will help you to let her be free. This is the way Christ has set up the church. We are his volunteer servants because love will not permit us to have it any other way.

Responsible Leaders Lovingly Train their Children.

Colossians 3:2

"Fathers, do not anger your children so that they may not be discouraged."

Notice that Paul makes a shift from "parents" in verse 20 to "fathers" in verse 21. Do you suppose, men,  that God wants us to realize that we are in greater danger of provoking our children than their mothers?

The thought of the verse is that of provoking, irritating, or angering the child so that he becomes morose or despondent. The word for "discourage" means to "loose heart; to go about in a sullen, moody spirit".

When children feel they can do nothing right because of constant faultfinding, they are apt to become depressed. In many cases they turn to peers in the world for approval. Before you know it they have a wall between themselves and their parents. Dads may blame the kids at school but it may not be them at all. Children who have warmth, approval and security of the home need little from their peers

Fathers need to remember when teaching their children that they will make mistakes. Yes dad,  it is easier for you to do it, and you can probably do it more quickly, but they need to do it. That is how they learn.

Many fathers have been short tempered when their children could not do it right the first or second time. Their quickness of temper causes their children to build a low self-esteem. This they do not need. The Devil will try to put them down all their lives. They need to have a strong feeling of self worth by the time they leave home. The first 8 or 10 years of a child's life in the home with parents either builds or destroys self-confidence.

Many children are overly aggressive because they are seeking attention and approval. Of course their aggression only brings further disapproval, so they go from bad to worse. Other children withdraw and become extremely introverted when they never find approval and self-worth from their parents.

Dads play a significant role in building self-importance in the hearts of their children. I'm not speaking of putting children on an ego trip. Rather, I mean giving them a proper evaluation of worth. The only way a child can learn this is from parents and perhaps other interested adults. He or she needs to know that even when they do wrong and need to be punished, dad still loves them.

Children need the firm loving discipline of a father who is willing to spend time with them. Dad is not there only when its time for punishment. He is there in the fun times and the learning times also.

I have heard parents say: "If you don't straighten up I'm going to take away your bike." The child has said, "Go ahead." The parent doesn't carry through and the child knew he wouldn’t. The child is asking for control. He is saying: "I need to be controlled, do you love me enough to do it?" In the absence of this control, his conclusion was: "No one cares what I do." Such a child will turn from his parents as soon as he is old enough and find someone he believes is concerned about him. It will probably be kids his own age, or perhaps drugs, or booze, or trouble.

Fathers when you do not see to the discipline of your child, you are neglecting your duties. Yet discipline by itself is not enough. You must spend time with them - time to do their things with them, time to be a friend, time to love them, and time to build them up.

Responsible Leaders Direct the Spiritual Life of their Homes.

Ephesians 6:4

"Fathers, anger not your children, but rear them in the training and instruction of the Lord."

No father knows all the answers but the family needs to feel that he is a capable student of the scriptures and one who has some spiritual wisdom. Too many men have passed off their family’s spiritual development to the church.

If you have never thought of yourself as a teacher of the Word of God, you need to begin seeing yourself in a different light. Your wife and children are your students. They will watch what you do and how you react. They will watch to see if you pray, argue with others or how you speak of other people. They will listen to what you have to say, for they are more ready to believe you than  the preacher or anyone else.

If you lack ability to teach, get some help. Men you are the spiritual leaders of your home. It is a great discredit to a man when his wife comes to me and says: "I wish my husband would take the lead in family devotions and spiritual things."

Men, how can you lead if you aren't out in front? Regardless of how you lead, you will teach. If you are the foreman on a job, you will find yourself teaching your subordinates. Of all the people who might be willing to listen to you read from the Bible, your family will be the most willing. Be a leader to your family.

While society is watching men cop out, God is looking for men who will take the leadership in their homes. God is looking for men who love their families - men who are willing to place the needs of their families over themselves. He wants men who do more than just deliver a paycheck - men who, because of love, allow their wives to be who they are and do not force them into their own image of a wife - men who cultivate the good in them and encourage them - men who make your wives feel like they are worth something more than just a dishwasher and bedtime partner - men who accept their wives as they are, love them for who they are, and help them to develop into what God wants them to be.

Men don't provoke your children to discouragement. Help built their self-worth. They need to know that you, above all people love them and want the best for them. Let them know that your love is constant, even when you punish them. They need to know that your disapproval of their action does not mean your disapproval of them.

Finally, be the spiritual leader of your home. For too long men have looked on religion as being "a woman's thing." That's a cop-out.  Men, God is going to hold you responsible for the spiritual leadership of your home Determine today that you are going to lead in spiritual things. Be the leader that God wants you to be.

Gary Flom is minister of the Church of Christ in Torrington, Wyoming. He may be reached at: gflom@communicomm.com

Copyright (c)  2000, The Preacher's Study. Permission is granted to subscribers to use this document in total or in sermon preparation in the context of the local congregation only. Publishing it in a book, on the Internet, or anyplace beyond the local congregation is prohibited.

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